Stranger Than Reality
by Kagurazaka
Summary: Why does the game end with Souji when there are revival beads around? Why do they wear the same clothes all the time? Mara? Dude. Mara. Really? The Investigation Team ponders about it and more. A collection of one/two/three/x-shots of P4 spoofs. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

**Stranger Than Reality**

Disclaimer: I do not own any aspect of the Persona series.

* * *

**_Game Over_**

Yukiko sighed when she saw a fierce Maragi spell from a flying table of sort had knocked down Chie and Souji. It was ridiculous, really.

She knew Yosuke always carried at least half a dozen revival beads – him being the Prince of Junes and all. And Amaterasu had a repertoire of at least three healing skills, including one that could bring even the deadest team members to life. She snapped her fan shut and re-opened it multiple times, knowing that Chie was hurting and there was nothing she could do.

And that in a moment all this would end and they would have to re-do the whole last few hours again. Two level ups and four levels to re-attempt. Not to mention losing all the yen they had collected. Ridiculous, when Amaterasu still had two-thirds of her energy reserve and Yosuke's pockets were still bulging from all the meds.

The table turned towards Souji. They all knew what was about to happen.

Chie groaned as a big ball of fire hurtled towards their leader. "Not _this_ aga

* * *

**_Turns_**

"I do not understand," Naoto said as she polished the barrel of her guns in near boredom. "Why we are required to fight in turns. It is a foolish and unnecessary show of chivalry."

"PatieNCE YOung PaDAwan," judging by Yosuke's tone, he was listening a song in ¾ time – foot tapping in rhythm with his syllables. "IT'S perfectLY normal FOR-" He caught Chie cracking her knuckles in his peripheral vision and coughed. "Well, anyways, you'll soon get used to it. Just bring a magazine or something next time."

Naoto stared at him.

"Rangda!"

Across her a humanoid persona appeared and did something to damage the shadow nearest to it. She had no idea what. It was all so vague. It was supposed to be a slash attack, right? But that persona carried no conceivable weapon at all, so how... The teeth, perhaps? Or the nails? But it had merely floated on top of Souji briefly and did some ridiculous action pose before disappearing again. Invisible missile? Or perhaps-

She turned to see Yukiko's fan on her shoulders. "Your turn, Naoto-kun," she said, smiling, then resumed her previous position to Naoto's left.

There was only ash where the shadow was, so she turned towards the other one, cocked her gun, and shot. It seemed like her gun had never been as shiny, she thought when she caught her reflection on the metal. She looked up to see Chie opening a packet of rice crackers.

Chie noticed her and held it out. "Want one?"

Naoto looked around. Souji was standing stock-still like always. Yukiko looked like she was – and Naoto actually double-checked her vision – doing homework, complete with a calculator and all. And Yosuke was doing his spinning around thing.

Sighing, she walked towards Chie. Might as well have a little snack while waiting for her turn.

* * *

**_Armour_**

'Preparation' would be at the top of the list when asked what Yosuke hated most about the TV world.

He grunted as he struggled to button his school shirt against his body plate. Sure it looked kind of cool – the intricate inlays and ergonomic design and all. He would never dream of entering the TV without it. But really. Must they be so darn bulky?

Who the hell even thought of sneaking into Junes by wearing their armour inside their uniform in the first place? That idiot must be so stu- Wait; that was him. He wanted to bang his head on the wall. A huge duffel bag would have garnered so much less attention. And not take the finer part of an hour to prepare. Souji could always sneak his sword in by pretending he was from the kendo club. Chie and Yukiko would have no trouble at all with their weapons.

With their names came the painful memory of being subject to Chie's punt when he had laughed at them both. All hard angles with various bits of armour sticking out under their uniform. Especially Chie and the socks that ripped from the strain of accommodating her crazy metal boots. Or Yukiko's face when she realized she had to buy a new cardigan every week since it takes about as long for the old one to stretch from the armour. Girls and their fashion.

Sweat beaded his forehead. Just a little more. He pulled and pulled – the shirt was getting a bit stretched, closing the gap a smidgen but helpful millimetre or two. Close. So _close_. A liiiiiiitle bit more.

..._YES!_

He was about to pump his fist from victory when suddenly half of the buttons flew off with a series of very undramatic _snaps_. He looked at the mirror for a while, then grabbed his phone. That Tatsumi dude could afford to wait for another day. He's calling in sick.

And then he'd go to Junes to buy a very, very nice bag.


	2. Chapter 2

**Stranger Than Reality**

Disclaimer: I do not own any aspect of the Persona series.

* * *

_**Wounds**_

Stabbed: 6

Burned: 3

Electrocuted: 7

Had wind blown onto her face: 9

Knocked down: 3

Shot at: 5

Feared: 2

Charmed: 1

With today's records firmly in mind, Chie summoned Tomoe Gozen and launched a bufu. It missed. Of course. She looked despairingly at Yukiko, then felt the painful sensation of burning before everything turned black.

...And then she was up again.

Burned: 4

Killed: 1

"Are you alright?" Yukiko said, snapping her fan shut.

Chie took Yukiko's offered hands and helped herself up. She did a series of movements to warm up her limbs, then nodded at her friend. "Thanks. And yeah, I'm fine. I'm-" Then the realization hit her. Like all life changing insight, it hit her with the force of a high velocity brick and the persistence of an octopus's suction cups. Chie stared into Yukiko's eyes – stared deep into her soul, held her hand tenderly and said: "I'm burning all of my kung-fu DVDs."

Yukiko's fan fell from her suddenly slack grip. "What. All? Even. Even _Jackie Chan_?"

"Yep. Even Jackie. Maybe I'll donate 'em to Hanamura."

As soon as the word 'Hanamura' left Chie's mouth, Yukiko immediately searched her pockets for a Goho-M. "You- you must be concussed. We should immediately go to the hospital and treat-"

Chie caught Yukiko's arms. "Don't you understand?" Chie said, eyes gleaming. "Today I was repeatedly burned, shot at, electrocuted, had my face karate-chopped by a huge muscled guy, skewered multiple times by something that has a heart as its head, ran over by a tank with a face. Don't you see? _Don't you see?_"

"Er-" By then Chie was shaking Yukiko's shoulders.

"And yet, and yet here I am. Unscathed." She flexed her biceps. "I'm better than Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Wong Fei Hung and Jet Li combined."

"Err-"

"I mean, they're awesome. But they always kinda die after being shot at once, y'know. Jet Li even died from a knife in his stomach. And they don't come back. Me? I've been through whatever was done to them ten times back, and I'm still alive. I mean, I'm still alive even after I'm dead. Not even a scratch. Machine guns? Pssh. Just toss a diarama." Chie's eyes widened. "Wait. I'm better than kung-fu masters. I'm the _master_ of kung-fu masters. As long as Konohana Sakuya is around, I'M IMMORTAL."

Yukiko's mind went very white.

Somewhere from behind Chie, Yosuke was twirling his index finger at the air besides his forehead_, _mouthing '_craaazy.'_

Chie, of course, had leveled up to be the invincible master of kung-fu masters and so turned around and galactic punted him.

Later, when Chie wrote down her list of wounds for today in her diary, Yukiko amended it by adding another line:

Dizzied: 1

* * *

_**Deaths**_

Rise screamed when she had encountered her first dead team member.

They winced as her cry boomed in their heads. "KANJI! Oh god, Kanji, Kanji, he's he's- he's dead. Kanji. No no no. Kanjiiiii!"

"Uh, Kuji-"

"Someone please, oh Kanji. Kanji. _Kan_-"

"Rise!" Chie said with much more force. She wanted to go to Rise and shake her, but she was far out on the entrance. It felt weird shouting at a voice in your head. "He's fine. He's alive. See?" She went over and gently prodded Kanji's motionless body with her index finger. He was starting to get cold.

"Fine?" Rise shrieked. "He's dead. DEAD! Himiko told me there's no pulse. I. I." She broke down into soft sobs.

Chie's head started ringing from the screams. "Well technicaaally, he's dead. But he's still alive. At least, we can revive him."

The sound of a stuffed nose cleared. "Revive... him? Like Jesus? How?"

Who's Jesus? "Well yeah. Like that. Um. Well. Usually Yukiko just opens her fan, and then Amaterasu appears, and then there's this sound – kinda like glasses clanking, and then the body glows and then he comes back to life."

She didn't blame Rise for the silence. It did sound a little bit bonkers. Gods and glowing bodies coming back to life and whatnot.

"Um," she said again after having Suzuka Gongen drive a pole into a dice. "Maybe Yukiko can show you?"

Yukiko glanced at Souji. He shook his head. "Kanji-kun will have to wait," she said apologetically, then set another dice on fire.

The silence continued for a few more minutes, then Rise said, "wait. What happens when the battle ends and they're still dead?"

"Well, they kinda just magically return to life. I mean, we still have to heal them, but. Yeah."

"...magically?"

Chie shrugged. "They wake up, then walk away. That's that. But usually we revive them before it ends so they don't miss out on gaining experience."

Somehow that reminded Rise not of magic but of voodoo. Zombie voodoo. She tried again. "What happens if Yukiko-sempai isn't around?"

"Revival beads."

"Re-" It sounded really, really dubious. How could a bunch of beads bring back someone who was clearly dead? How did a dead person come back to life in the first place? "Okay. What happens when the battle takes so long, and in a hot place, like Kanji's sauna, and no one revives him?"

"Huh?"

"You know. Liver mortis, rigor mortis. Decomposition, maybe. And I noticed there are giant beetles around. It'll probably smell too. So do they just magically reverse all the damage and wake up or do they end up all gross like zombies?"

After that Chie started humming the theme song to Featherman R and pretended she was deaf.


End file.
